nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
