I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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