did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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