i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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