I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
