No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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