ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
