i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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