i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize