u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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