Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
