It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
