I can text with my tongue
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
