Swine flu is the new snow day.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
