so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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