I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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