also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
