Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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