a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
