Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
