Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
