I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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