this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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