i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wish i was in the wii world.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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