Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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