I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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