I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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