i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
