U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I don't deserve a penis
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
