He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
