I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
