I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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