omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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