So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
