that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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