I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize