I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
