I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
