so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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