worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
