my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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