I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
