A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize