Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
