Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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