Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
