Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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