the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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