i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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