Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
jump out the window naked night went bad
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
