My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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