Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
