My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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