he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
