My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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