Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
