Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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