dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize