Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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