my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
