I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
